Advisory Notice for General Ranting. If you feel like you may have a negative reaction to this entry, it’s advised that you not read this entry. If you read it anyway, please be advised that I am not responsible for any actions taken or not taken by you.
Kind of like the label of “feminist”, I only vaguely relate to the label of “Childfree”. Because “childless” implies that I would like to have children someday, which I do not. But still, I only vaguely relate to the label of “Childfree” because I do not have the outright loathing of children that has become such a characteristic of that movement, much in the same way that a loathing of men has become endemic of some schools of feminism. But that’s beside the point.
Another part is…I admit to some resentment. As a person without kids, I admit to some resentment of those who do. Or more specifically, that I am worth less than someone who did decide to have kids, that my existence is invalid in some way or another, unless, of course, I’m one of the “good” people without children, the ones who are either trying really really hard to have one, or will support those friends who happen to be parents via babysitting and paying the couple’s way to dinner dates, or buying expensive baby shower/birthday/graduation gifts.
I admit, say, resenting the fact that I have to prove that I’m not a child-hater on general principle. In specific, I hate having to prove I’m not a child-hater by, among other things…
–being expected to smile and laugh and applaud and coo when small children do things that elicit a much, much, much less friendly response had an adult done them.
–being expected to both take on extra tasks in the workplace because fellow employees feel the need to skip out of work early for their kid’s soccer game and prove that I’m not some kind of party girl who’ll come in late and hung over because I don’t have the ~responsibilities~ of having kids.
–having it be assumed that I’m clearly made of free time and free money, and have no responsibilities ever.
–being made to feel like I should feel guilty for wanting some space, any at all, for any length of time, without children.
–being seen as less of a woman because I do not want to bear children.
–being seen as less of an adult because I do not want to be a parent.
–having it be assumed that my decision not to have children makes me selfish.
–looking forward to a lifetime of my existence being seen only in the context of what I can do for my friends and relatives with children, and of course, not being able to say no, because, again, have to prove that I’m not a monster.
I don’t hate children. I don’t know of anyone in existence who, say, laughs at a child’s death, whether they’ve got children or not. I just think that I’d be an epic failure as a parent in every way, shape, and form.
But apparently I’ve gotta prove that. And that, friends, is bullshit.
So. Much. WORD!
I think it is important to provide personal and social support for children whenever realistic because I think that should be something we offer to everyone. We provide a basic level of care for those needy in our society and we help out people personally when they are in need, regardless of who they are.
The problem is that the only people that are ever in need are children and parents. Childless adults, as we all know, are all wealthy career people with lots of money to burn and never need any help. Somehow, not having children magically provides you with a car, a bad-ass job, lots of money, and everything you ever hoped for. If you dare to disagree, you’re a child-hater.
I hate how parents can be as half-assed as they want, and still, people will defend them because “Being a parent is SO hard” and “I’m sure they did their best!” Parents have children for purely selfish reasons all the time. Somehow, it’s only childless people that need to prove their worth and that they’re not selfish.
BTW, I identify as childless because I am on the fence still and because I hate the child-free label and the child-free community with a passion.
While I agree that not having children does indeed make it “easier” (put in quotes for a reason) to pursue a career that’s always been desired, it’s still incredibly shitty of (a lot of) parents to assume that not having children = no responsibilities.
Because people without children, believe it or not, still have bills to pay. To say nothing of taxes.
This is why the “not having children is SOOO SELFISH” line pisses me off. There are too many people having children for what I think are totally selfish, but those motives never get questioned. I think that’s bullshit. On top of that, those who don’t have children are constantly asked to prove that they aren’t selfish and do not, in fact, eat children a la the witch in Hansel and Gretel. It’s…frustrating, to say the least.
Sorry, I forgot. Parents are totally oblivious to the idea that some childless people have dependents OTHER than children, like elderly parents or other relatives.
It’s all right.
It’s the idea that people without children have, in addition to money to burn, also have time to burn, too. So of course they can be asked to babysit and to buy their kids expensive stuff and pay their (the parents, that is) way to expensive restaurants because to do otherwise is selfiiiish.
Which leads me to wonder if the “Selfish” argument/insult works better on women or if men just have a variant on the same thing.